So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
