you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
