This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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