I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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