He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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