oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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