I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
