I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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