Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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