tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there is glitter all over my balls
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