dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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