Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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