To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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