hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
