Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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