my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
