i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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