His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
