I can't breathe out the right side of my face
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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