do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
