finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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