worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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