I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
