you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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