So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
