Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
