laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
