Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
