someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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