I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
