i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
