but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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