I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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