I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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