So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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