I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
