I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
