You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
