You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
