a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
