And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
