Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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