So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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