Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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