she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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