Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
