"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
