my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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