I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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