This dress was meant to end up on your floor
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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