my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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