Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
