why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
