That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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