I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
