Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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