just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
