Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
accomplished twins. life is a go
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
