my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
