I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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