there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
