I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.