i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
