Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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