Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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